Inclusively… and not being an Asshole

Not long ago, I wrote about the balance we need between inclusively and exclusivity.  http://pupemrys.blogspot.com/2013/08/inclusive-exclusive-balance-and.html

I concluded: “It’s stupid to say that every club/event/party needs to be pansexual and inclusive… and it’s stupid to say that none should be.  Not every group or space needs to be open to everybody at all times and that is okay.  Balance is good.  All of that being said, there is a form of exclusivity that, I believe, has no place in our community.  The we-are-better-than-you bullshit.  I’ve not encountered a lot of this first-hand, but I’m hearing (second hand) about this going on a lot more.  This attitude of our way is the TRUE way.  If you don’t do M/s like this then you’re not a TRUE Master/slave.”

This point has also come up in different ways in many of the recent episodes of No Safe Word.  One of the great things about that podcast is that (in addition to being fun and entertaining) it’s very inclusive and (small-d) democratic.  They bring on guests from all kinds of backgrounds and fetishes and sub-groups: letherati, puppies, furries, switches, ABDL, erotic hypnosis, piss players…  Frequently, I’ll look at the topic of the show and go, “Eh, not interested… but I’ll give it a chance…” and then halfway through the show, I’m totally hooked – not b/c the topic is ABDL or whatever, but b/c the conversation is just lively and interesting and fun.  But back to what I was saying: Several times in recent shows this theme of inclusively has come up.  I’ll point toward two:  The interview w/ Dart (Episode 45) was very good.  For instance: He’s a switch and has been slave to a Master while simultaneously Master to his own slave… and he’d go to leather events wearing both his Master’s cap and his collar at the same time, and this would give the TRUE Leather Path jerks conniption fits.  LOL.  Another great episode was talking furries w/ Nightcat (Ep. 48).  There’s a lot of overlap between the puppy community and the furry community… and if Old-school Leather is at the top of the kink hierarchy – the popular kids and the captain of the football team and shit – and rubber in the mid-zone; puppies, diaper fetishists, and furries are the nerds, geeks, and weirdoes at the bottom of the heap, so there’s some inherent solidarity between pups, furs and littles.  But one of the things Nightcat talked about was that most furries are kinky, and almost all of those kinky furries are into stuff other than just fur suits: bondage, piss play, humiliation, etc.  So if you disregard and discount someone just b/c they are furry, that’s stupid of you b/c (1) they might be a cool person, and (2) you may have other kinky interests in common you could hook-up over.

Just like No Safe Word has brought in a wide range of guests, that’s also very much what we’ve traditionally done w/ the education line-up at CAPEX.  I’ve frequently said that, for my money, CAPEX, my home club, is the top education group in the Southeast.  Part of that is b/c we cater to a wide spectrum and we deliberately bring in presenters from all aspects of the greater fetish/BDSM community.  CAPEX isn’t a leather club (like the Tradesmen).  It’s not an M/s group (like Charlotte’s MAST).  It’s not a bondage group (like Cable), or a fem dom group (like Charlotte Fem Dom Society).  CAPEX is there for everybody, and I love that.  (1) That’s a great way to learn.  Just about every CAPEXian who has been around for a couple of years will have at least one story about a “That’s not my thing” class they reluctantly went to – and were surprised to get something out of it.  (2)  You might meet someone who is into something you’re not but still make a good connection, maybe become friends, maybe find that they are into something you are into as well.

That’s what I love about CAPEX.  That’s what I love about the No Safe Word podcast.  And that’s also (I’ll insert another plug here… no, that wasn’t a euphemism) what I love about Frolicon.  Frolicon is by far my favorite con in part b/c it is by far the most inclusive con I’ve been to.  I love that there are leather folks and boot-blacks mingling w/ puppies and furriers and rubber fetishists and diaper fetishists and swingers and drunken hedonists.  It’s fucking fantastic!  And (virtually) everybody at Frolicon is so open and cool and non-judgmental.  And the breadth of classes offered at Frolicon (from self-publishing erotica to furry fan art to boot-blacking to a whiskey and cigar tasting) is far greater than any other kink convention I’ve been to.  (And it typically falls w/in a week or two of me and Shdwkitten’s birthdays.)

Earlier I compared CAPEX to the Tradesmen, Cable, Charlotte Fem Dom, etc.  Is CAPEX right and those groups wrong?  Hell, no.  As I said: It’s stupid to say that every club/event/party needs to be pansexual and inclusive… and it’s stupid to say that none should be.  The bottom line is: Don’t be a snob.  Don’t be a jerk.  Don’t be that idiot that Race Bannon rather un-wisely re-posted on his blog.  Don’t be an asshole.  We are all in a sub-group in a sub-group of a minority.  The least we can do is be cool to our fellow sub-sub-sub-groupies.

This is why we March

The following was recently posted on a social networking site I'm on:

"My family found out awhile back that I was bi. So naturally a christian family said I was messed up in the head and took me to see a conceler and he said "Nothing is wrong with him". So my family let me go to college, I was lucky to go to [private Baptist] University. Now my family wants to pull me out of college because they found out I'm still Bi and that I want to be a pup. And the worst part is my own father is kicking me out of my family on Monday I may not have a home anymore. Can anyone give me advice on what to do I'm sad, heartbroken and just plain confused with what I should do next. Please help."

Two days later, the same person (who is 20 years-old - and adverse to punctuation) posted this:

"I found a solution paying for [private Baptist U] is too much over $25,000 is too much it's a pirvate college I'm moving away ill get a job earn money for a year pay for a community college and be happy with my life as to how my family found out about my life they had spiwere on my computer about 2 or 3 years ago they found out. I've been to over 12 theopists all trying to get me to no longer be Bi or into any fetish they sent me to camps that taught kids that gays were sin and the army of satin for about 2-3 years I've lived in hell I hacked my computer so my family can't put spiwere on my computer anymore and well it's sad I have to leave my family to be happy but it's something I have to do I have to step up and be a man not some wimp that everyone can push around I hope I see everyone in the future it's going to be a Long bus ride"

Today, I responded:

I hope you are doing well. I was glad to read that you were leaving [private Baptist U] (almost certainly the wrong place for you to be). Community college is a great option.

I can only echo what others have said – but nonetheless I feel compelled to do so.

Know that there is nothing wrong w/ you; there is something wrong w/ them and you almost certainly won’t be able to fix them.

Know that you have every right to distance yourself from them as much as you feel you need to. I’m guessing that’s not easy, but you have every right to do what is best and healthy for you. My best friend, who is gay, broke virtually all contact w/ his biological family when he was in his early twenties (about 20 years ago now). He is fond of saying, “The family you’re born w/ is like the cards you get dealt in a game of poker: you can’t choose the cards, but you can choose not to keep them.”

Most importantly, know that you aren’t alone. Certainly one of the best things to come from the internet is that it allows those like us to connect w/ others like us. Stay connected. Keep us posted. We’re pulling for you.

And if you ever feel like you want to talk to a complete stranger (but a completely sympathetic stranger) don’t hesitate to message me.

Take care.
Pup Emrys

I thought of the Pride Parade a couple of weeks back. I thought of being on all fours in pup-gear, marching (and trotting) on-leash in front of literally thousands of people.  And I thought: This is why we march.

Atlanta Pride Weekend

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Notes and Miscellanea... and Dancing Nuns

Just a collection of notes and miscellanea today…

Item 1

The leading story:  Apparently my whole pack decided to jump Race Bannon’s shit.  LOL.  It’s classic pack behavior: the Alpha makes an aggressive move toward somebody and – blink – the whole pack is bearing its collective teeth and moving in for the kill.  It started when Race Bannon re-posted some idiot’s rant about how educators and demos are ruining kink, and Bannon praised this post as being so insightful and wise.  You can find it here; it really does read like Old Man Yells at Cloud. http://bannon.com/2013/09/16/have-we-jumped-the-shark/

And in response we have…

Sir’s well-argued logic flavored with growly irritation: http://loki.alpha-pup.org/shark-jumping-a-rant/

Tebow’s raw passion: http://tallglassofoj.org/jumping-the-snark/

Hunter’s humor and joy in debate: http://prolixrhetoric.blogspot.com/2013/09/jumping-shark-to-avoid-jumping-gun.html

As for my own 2-cents… well, I’ve already addressed this issue a couple of ways:

Here, where I correctly argued that lecture-formatted classes have their place (to give basic info and introduce ideas) when supplemented w/ other avenues to pursue more in-depth hands-on learning: http://pupemrys.blogspot.com/2012/07/over-educating-community.html

And here, where I correctly argued that there is nothing wrong w/ having BOTH open, inclusive education and networking groups (like CAPEX) and exclusive play-party groups (like Atlanta Dominion): http://pupemrys.blogspot.com/2013/08/inclusive-exclusive-balance-and.html

Well, now that I’ve given you enough links to send you off in ten different directions…

Item 2

The other day, my lovely Owner and I (along w/ our Poet friend) were walking the streets of Ashville when Ma’am looked up ahead and observed, “There’s a nun in a short skirt dancing on a table.”

To which I could only reply, “Jeez, another one?”

And then we went to see Hamlet at Shakespeare in the Park…

Item 3

Thanks to Episode of 45 of the No Safe Word podcast kinky people around the whole world now know that Loki has a “rather large hydrant.”

(What’s really scandalous, though, is that it was Stick’s Maggie who made Sir’s hydrant so large. 0.o  )

Item 4

(Related to the above)

I really, really like packing for Dominion with Loki!  Of course, “packing for Dominion” is a lot like “nap,” which Sir defines as being in bed during the day – not necessarily doing anything restful there.

Item 5

(Related to the above)

I discovered, Sunday morning, that Sir likes Miley Cyrus.  Who knew?  (I debated whether to elaborate on that… but, no, I think I’ll just leave that as our in-joke.)

Item 6

Atlanta Dominion was Sunday.  I got to lick a boy wearing a full, Joe Rocket sportbike riding suit… and I got to share Sir’s bone with Puppy Hunter.  Yea teamwork!  Go team!  So… yes, Atlanta Dominion = much hotness.

Item 7

(Speaking of hotness...)

 My Owner, the pyro-kitten, has taken up fire dancing w/ poi balls.  Stay tuned to her Fet for photos to come.

Item 8

(Speaking of my fantastic Owner...)

I recently got a new wolfhound shirt.  (I collect T-shirts w/ Irish wolfhounds stuff on them.)  I showed it to Ma'am - it's a beige tee w/ a drawing of a wolfhound's head on it.  She looked at it and said in all seriousness, "It looks just like you!"  We both then laughed, and she explained, "That's how I picture you."  LOL.

That was a few days ago, and then, Saturday, Ma'am and I woke-up snuggled-up in bed after a nap (an actual nap, not a Loki "nap").  She said that she had been dreaming, and that in her dream I was a bio-wolfhound, but still me, just in the body of a wolfhound.  And when she woke-up, she said she was momentarily surprised to see human-me, expecting to see a big, shaggy dog in bed w/ her. I thought that was cute and worth sharing.

And that is what's going on in my world.

Poly: Who’s No 1? Who’s No 2?

I started to write a reply to a post by NTempest, but as it expanded in my head I realized I really needed to make it a blog post of its own.

NTempest made this post, “But I still don’t want to be poly…” which you can read if you’re on Fet, but in a nutshell: he’s been w/ his partner for many years, recently added a new (poly) boyfriend.  At first this was clearly defined as a secondary relationship… but now they are re-evaluating that language, what it means, and if it’s appropriate.

First:  Thank you, NTempest, for posting this.  I thought it was very honest and rewarding to think about.  Poly isn’t easy.  Even if you’ve done it for years like Shdwkitten and I, you still – always – have obstacles to deal with.  That’s true of a relationship between 2 people, so of course the more people you add the more complex it grows… and the more room for misunderstandings and such.

For many years, Shdwkitten and I have had a way of doing things.  She has had many other partners, but one of our rules was that they always had to understand and accept that I am her primary.  Even when she “married” her (now ex) girlfriend, her then-“wife” still had to accept that I was Shdwkitten’s primary partner and there’s was always going to be a secondary relationship.  This (everyone knowing that Kitten and I are primary) was one of the few “non-negotiable” items I insisted on… and for many years that’s how things worked w/ us.

Recently, Ma’am (like NTempest) has grown less comfortable w/ the vocabulary of primary and secondary relationships… and I will confess that this has led to some pretty emotional moments between us as I try to deal w/ this shift and figure out what it means.

Ma’am (as I understand her) seems to have two reasons why she no longer likes saying primary-secondary.  One: she says that her relationships w/ each of her partners are so different, and she gets such different things from each, that trying to “rank” them feels like apples and oranges.  That’s understandable in-as-much as I think that’s why those of us who are poly, are poly.  I think very few people meet ALL their partner’s needs and wants.  (On the other hand… I’m not sure that contradicts the notion of setting priorities, but…)

What NTempest wrote struck a familiar cord w/ me b/c part of it is almost exactly what Ma’am has recently said to me, and that’s her second reason for growing uncomfortable w/ the primary-secondary vocabulary.  Namely: It makes it sound like you’re promising to ALWAYS be willing to abandon plans w/ partner No 2 anytime that partner No 1 says so.

Now, to me, I think that’s clearly not the case.  That’s not what “primary” means to me.  I would hope Ma’am would know that I would not play some “trump card” on her other partners just to be a dick.  “I know you want to go visit X, but I want you to go to a movie w/ me and I’m No 1, so I trump X.”  That’s dickish, and I would never do that.  NTempest wrote: “I also had to point out that even before KZ came along we weren't always each others' priorities in every decision. I'm guessing this is true of most couples who are honest about it. There have been times when I have needed him, and he went with friends instead. I'm sure I have done similar.”  Of course that’s true.  I don’t think saying “Emrys is partner No 1” means “My every decision and every choice must ALWAYS revolve around him.”  That’s silly.

What I’ve said to Ma’am all along is that when she dates other people and when she falls in love w/ other people, I’m okay w/ that… but I need her to be able to look them in the eye and say, w/o and prevarication or hesitation, “Emrys is my No 1 partner.  He’s my husband – my life-partner.  He’s my soul-mate.  He’s the love of my life.  We will always be together, and if you want me in your life, Emrys is part of the package.”  It’s very important to me that all of her significant others know that.  And I want that for their benefit as well as mine – I don’t want anybody getting any false hopes…

For my part, anyone other than Ma’am I get involved with, I have no problem saying to them in an instant, “The Kitten is my No 1.  Nobody else comes close."  Doesn’t mean I can’t have other people in my life, but they will never be in the same level as my relationship w/ Ma’am.  And if someone I were involved w/ thought for a moment they might replace Shadwkitten as my primary partner… sorry, Charlie!  I know that in some ways things are somewhat easier on my side b/c I wear Ma’am’s collar and wedding ring: two very clear, obvious, tangible signals to one-and-all that I belong, body, heart, and soul, to Shdwkitten.  I guess the fact that Ma’am doesn’t wear such obvious symbols (she can’t wear a wedding band anymore b/c it seems to trigger some kind of arthritic reaction in her knuckles) makes it, I guess, all the more important to me that she is so very upfront and categorical w/ other people she’s dating about who comes first, foremost, and forever.

Of course you get different things for different relationships w/ different people.  I get that.

Of course nobody is ALWAYS going to be the center of your attention or (obnoxiously) “trump” everybody else’s needs.  Such a person would be either narcissistic or insecure… and in either case you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship w/ them in the first place.

But I, personally, still want everyone involved in the wacky chain molecule that makes up our family to know that Shdwkitten is my primary and I’m hers.  Does that make sense?  Is that fair?

Two Great Weekends (Kinky Geeky Stuff!)

Last weekend my lovely Owner took her took her puppy up to the Maryland Renaissance Fair along w/ our friend, Poet.  We had a great time (despite a bummer ending for Poet).  It’s about a 6 hour drive from our place – nothing too bad.  We rode up together Friday evening, and were at the Fair site bright and early Saturday morning.  Traffic was fine, lines were fine, and the crowed was fine.  The Maryland RenFair is a great location: about twice the area of our Charlotte RenFair and has lots and lots of trees (it’s almost all shaded, and we didn’t even need to use the sun-screen we brought).  We had a great time walking around, drinking lots and lots of beer, and ogling the eye candy.  They have a reptile show and we got to see a really, freaking huge snake.  Shakespeare’s Scum was, I think, our favorite act we saw; we saw their funny versions of Richard III and Romeo & Juliette.  I solved a math puzzle presented by one of the wandering entertainers.  We ate the obligatory RenFair food (Scotch eggs!)… and did I mention the beer?  There was a lot of beer.  They also have a fun, long slide made of polished wood… and a Ren-themed bookstore where I bought a fabulous little anthropology/folklore book about werewolves written in 1930, which cracks me up reading it b/c it is so un-self-critical in it’s obvious Christian bias in that wonderfully naïve way that only a 1930’s “folklorist” could be – like he frequently refers to the MalleusMaleficarum as this definitive, authoritative source of information.  I love reading anthro/folklore work from that era in general b/c it has this Indiana Jones meets HP Lovecraft in a completely non-PC way that, assuming you don’t find it totally offensive, is really quite fun and charming.

Anyway… Shdwkitten at Ren!  Always a source of entertainment.  While I was solving the afore-mentioned math puzzle, Shdwkitten was chatting w/ this guy who complemented her ink, and then found out she was there w/ her husband and a “boyfriend” (sort of) whom she’s also seeing, and then… he starts hitting on her.  And he’s married, but he’s totally wanting to cheat on his wife (who isn’t there) w/ her.  She teased him, and it was very funny.  But then she topped that.  Because later, we were chilling, and she complemented this cute, 21-year-old, muscular guy on his ink, and then they start chatting.  Now, I’m wearing my collar and Ma’am is petting my hair while also hugging Poet, so this guy makes a reasonable assumption and asks, “Are you on Fet?”  LOL.  He turns out to me Roughmeup99 on Fet… and before we’re done, Ma’am bends him over a fence and, right in front of the crowed, God, everyone, and a couple of Japanese tourists who took pictures, she body-punches his back and claws him bloody.  LOL.  It was just a brief encounter, but we all had a good laugh, and we’re hopping to get-together again – possibly at our RenFair in Charlotte next month… *knock on wood*

The only bummer was that Saturday night Poet came down w/ a fever… which developed into strep… which caused him to miss Dragon*Con.  :(

Which brings me to my second amazing weekend: This weekend was Dragon.  For those who don’t know, Dragon*Con is one of the largest sci-fi/fantacy/gaming cons in the nation.  It’s freaking HUGE.  In fact, it’s too huge, which is why I haven’t gone to one in five or six years.  My first Dragon was in 1990 or ’91, back when it was just in one hotel and a few thousand people.  Then it grew to 2 hotels and was cool… 3 hotels was alright for a while.  But now attendance is over 50,000 people and it’s in 5 hotels.  The last one Ma’am and I went to in ’07 or ‘08 was so f-ing crowded that we just didn’t have a good time.  We felt like we were either standing in lines or crushed in crowds all… day… long.  So we both kind of said: Never again.

Never say never.

Sir contacted Ma’am a couple of days before Dragon and let her know he had an extra badge available.  I thought it over… and said, what the hell?  I’m so glad I did b/c I had a great time. 

Traveling solo, I arrived Friday evening and joined Sir and some friends in the Point of View Lounge for drinks and a game of Cards Against Humanity (the other game where the rules are made up and the points don't matter).  We had so much fun, and were laughing so much that three ladies from a neighboring table asked to join us.  George (Game of Thrones) Martin was also sitting at a neighboring table.  Unfortunately he didn’t ask to join us, b/c it would have been great to say we played Cards Against Humanity w/ George RR Martin.  (I didn’t see it, but Sir said that Martin was carrying a sign earlier that read, “Be nice to me or Tyrion gets it!”  LOL.)  The card game (somehow) led directly to sexy-fun-time back in our room.  I think it had something to do w/ being gang-banged by the Blue Man Group…?  I don’t know – I just seem to remember that at one time I had like four people biting me.

I had some great roommates, including a couple of our extended-pack members – Bishop & Gwynn.  The way I’ve explained our pack before (and this is just my take on it; I don’t speak for anybody else here): we have the sort of “core” group of pups who recognize Loki as our Alpha in some more-or-less formal, D/s way and we follow his protocols (which I think consist only of “Do what the fuck Sir tells us” and “Don’t like olives”), and that’s myself, Tebow, Soma, and Hunter... then there’s this more nebulous group of other pups who surround us and we also have loads of fun with, and that includes a wonderful couple of non-domestic-canine puppies: Bishop (hyena) and Gwynn (wolf).

Saturday morning, Sir had to do one of his speaking panel things, and an old friend of mine (one who I went to Dragon with back in ’90 or ’91 when we were teenagers) joined us for the day.  After Sir’s panel, we hiked over to the Dealer’s Room – which was huge and sprawling and labyrinthine.  At times I wasn’t sure if we were going to ever make it back out again.  I did drool over some Star Wars motorcycle/replica jackets, but I didn’t find anything that I both wanted and could afford.  (Although later I did buy a used-kilt off Bishop, so that was cool!)  Eventually we got out of the Dealer’s Room and got some food.  My friend and I tried to get in on a Marvel Supper Heroes RPG game but it filled-up.  That was disappointing b/c I haven’t played Marvel Super Heroes in like 20 years.  One slot opened on a classic dungeon crawl game so I let my friend take that… and so I headed back upstairs to rejoin Sir and co.  We went to the FeLife meet-n-greet.  I saw Noir (my Owner's Ma'am's Sir), but otherwise it was a bust b/c they held it right next to the karaoke and it was too, damn loud to meet-n-greet… so we left that to go to LGBT Rainbow Flag Party.  Sir had me on-leash, which always makes me a very happy puppy doggie!  *wags*  But this night it also served a practical function, as Sir was wearing his (incredibly awesome!!!) steampunk Saint Bernard leather-pup hood, which meant he couldn’t see well, so, leashed to him, I was also kind of acting as a seeing-eye-dog.

We left the party before it was too terribly late and went back to our hotel room for more sexy-fun-time.  I got pounced, and Sir and I had some wickedly primal sex.  He was in, as they say, “a mood.”  There was some pretty ferocious biting, clawing, howling, snarling, and growling from both of us; my brain just exploded – flooded w/ stimuli, I couldn’t tell whether I was horny, frightened, raging, exhausted, or super-energized… and there were blood stains on the bed sheets before we were done.  (I actually don’t remember how we finished; I think I actually just passed-out at some point.)  It was really, really good sex.  We woke-up still horny in the wee hours of the morning and somehow managed to have sex again, w/ less snarling and barking, w/o waking our roommates.

I saw lots of great costumes at Dragon... and lots of yummy eye candy, too.  There was at least one really hot Catwoman I saw, and a hot female Jango Fet... and one girl in leather fantasy armor who looked quite nice.  Lots of fursuiters, too, and some of those suits were just amazing.

I left shortly after Sunday breakfast.  I’ve decided that I would like to do Dragon again in the future.  Probably not next year – maybe every-other year – but only for a day!  The whole 4-day Dragon weekend is just way, way too much for me these days.  2 nights and 1 day was plenty.  I drove home Sunday and collapsed, physically and emotionally exhausted.  Fortunately there’s nothing on the calendar next weekend b/c I’m going to stay home and do nothing!  :)

Inclusive-Exclusive Balance… and Werewolf Porn

I always enjoy reading what Race Bannon writes. Recently that included:

“I believe it’s a fact that most gay men would rather play in the presence of only gay men, that most most lesbians would rather play in the presence of only lesbians, and that most heterosexuals would rather play in the presence of other heterosexuals. I think that’s totally natural. Some absolutely enjoy mixed places and I think that’s great. But I contend most kinksters do not”

The rest of the post about the virtues of exclusivity can be found at:

http://bannon.com/2013/07/07/are-we-too-inclusive/

If you have the time, you should go and read it.  It's okay; I'll wait.

  

I’m going to approach this by contrasting my two main playgrounds: CAPEX and Dominion.

CAPEX is an education-based gateway group and a huge open door.  We prid ourselves as being the most welcoming group in the region.  We welcome littles and adult babies, old-school leather M/s couples, puppies, rope fetishists, and pretty much anything else… and of any gender or sexual orientation.  (We even have one fursuiter if you count the bunny.)  I’ve always been very proud of that about my home club.  I’m extremely proud that in our 13 years of existence no (rational) person has ever found CAPEX to be exclusive or cliquish.  Kinksters of all types, genders, and orientations have pretty much always left a CAPEX event saying that they were made to feel very, very welcome.  That’s very cool.

Dominion is men-only.  Admission is (technically) screened; you have to get an invite or else get an okay from Master Dan or Sir Loki before you walk in.  While that is rather different from CAPEX… it’s still a great environment.  I have lots of fun there, enjoy the play, and have met some cool people.

The drama factor?  CAPEX has a reputation for “group politics drama.”  It’s true, about every 3 years we have some big meltdown.  However, as I always point out in our defense, it’s not b/c we’re a bunch of drama-queens.  No, it’s b/c CAPEX is a democratic organization that has elections every 6 months and averages around 100 members – so w/ that set-up, there will be drama.  In some ways, this is good.  Namely, I think this why CAPEX has survived 13 years and 3 or 4 meltdowns: there’s a widespread sense of ownership.  This is our group.  And when people start getting burnt-out, there are others who step in and pick-up the burden.  I know of very few "dictatorship" groups that have lasted 13 years.

Because of our rules and procedures, getting someone booted out of CAPEX (which is necessary on rare occasions) is like getting a bill through congress.  Getting someone booted from Dominion (which is likewise necessary on rare occasions) essentially consists of Sir and Master Dan coming to an agreement.  That makes it sooooo much easier to keep out the trolls and the creeps and the jerks.

Sex vs. no-sex play spaces?  Every 3 or 4 years somebody tries to change the rules at CAPEX to allow sex at our parties.  I have always argued against allowing sex (and I always win).  I have nothing against sex… but my view is that CAPEX is an education-based group targeted at new people, most of our members have been in BDSM only a few years, and we don’t screen people coming in.  Not allowing sex seems like a prudent call for such a group.

There’s no doubt, however, that Bannon is correct about pansexual parties being less sexy.  Dominion has much more of a sexual charge and the activities are more sexual.  CAPEX (primarily) is much more of a “pure” S/m party – it’s mostly about hurting and being hurt.  So… yeah, it’s kind of cool to be in the dungeon, get your ass beat by your Sir, taken off the cross, and dropped to you knees to blow him right there in the dungeon.  It’s a bonding experience.  LOL

(And I suppose I could add to this list a third, more exclusive level – our private, usually-twice-a-year Treehouse parties which are strictly invitation only and sex is “not only allowed but encouraged.”)

It’s not, for me a matter of: you must choose one or the other.  I can have both.  Our community can have room for both!  It’s stupid to say that every club/event/party needs to be pansexual and inclusive… and it’s stupid to say that none should be.  Not every group or space needs to be open to everybody at all times and that is okay.  Balance is good.

All of that being said, there is a form of exclusivity that, I believe, has no place in our community.  The we-are-better-than-you bullshit.  I’ve not encountered a lot of this first-hand, but I’m hearing (second hand) about this going on a lot more.  This attitude of our way is the TRUE way.  If you don’t do M/s like this then you’re not a TRUE Master/slave.  If you’re not old-school leather then you’re not the real deal – you’re just a kinkster.  What a bunch of BS!  That’s a kind of exclusivity that we don’t need anywhere.  And I think what Bannon was getting at is that in moving away from that kind of (bad) exclusivity we’ve moved to a different kind of (bad) inclusiveness that isn’t a logical connection.  I can say “M/s is not any better than other kinky dynamics,” and still support a MAST chapter which is an exclusively M/s group… b/c it’s not a blanket rejection (i.e. 'the rest of you aren’t as good as us'); it’s just a definition of what kind of group you have.

And now for something completely different:  (SQUIRREL!)

So, we don’t have cable, but I finally got around to watching the new Teen Wolf series.  (Filmed in Atlanta; I recognize some of the buildings in the background.)  Loving it.  I picked-up season 1 and 2, and I’ve been marathon-ing them this weekend.  For those who don’t know me: Werewolves are like porn for me.  Literally.  Porn.  There’s a scene in season 1 where, on the night of the full moon, the hero is handcuffed to a radiator by his best friend… and then his friend brings him water in a dog bowl.  I got an instant hard-on.  (Or I would have if I weren't locked up.)  Werewolf + handcuffs + doggie bowl = sex.  (Well, for me anyway...)  So, a dozen episodes in, and I am insanely horny by now, Ma’am is away for the weekend and I’m not allowed to touch myself, and the only reason that I’m able to obey right now is b/c I’m locked in a chastity cage.  Otherwise I’d be humping everything in the house.  *frustrated growl*