Saturday, August 17, 2013

Inclusive-Exclusive Balance… and Werewolf Porn

I always enjoy reading what Race Bannon writes. Recently that included:

“I believe it’s a fact that most gay men would rather play in the presence of only gay men, that most most lesbians would rather play in the presence of only lesbians, and that most heterosexuals would rather play in the presence of other heterosexuals. I think that’s totally natural. Some absolutely enjoy mixed places and I think that’s great. But I contend most kinksters do not”

The rest of the post about the virtues of exclusivity can be found at:
If you have the time, you should go and read it.  It's okay; I'll wait.
I’m going to approach this by contrasting my two main playgrounds: CAPEX and Dominion.

CAPEX is an education-based gateway group and a huge open door.  We prid ourselves as being the most welcoming group in the region.  We welcome littles and adult babies, old-school leather M/s couples, puppies, rope fetishists, and pretty much anything else… and of any gender or sexual orientation.  (We even have one fursuiter if you count the bunny.)  I’ve always been very proud of that about my home club.  I’m extremely proud that in our 13 years of existence no (rational) person has ever found CAPEX to be exclusive or cliquish.  Kinksters of all types, genders, and orientations have pretty much always left a CAPEX event saying that they were made to feel very, very welcome.  That’s very cool.

Dominion is men-only.  Admission is (technically) screened; you have to get an invite or else get an okay from Master Dan or Sir Loki before you walk in.  While that is rather different from CAPEX… it’s still a great environment.  I have lots of fun there, enjoy the play, and have met some cool people.

The drama factor?  CAPEX has a reputation for “group politics drama.”  It’s true, about every 3 years we have some big meltdown.  However, as I always point out in our defense, it’s not b/c we’re a bunch of drama-queens.  No, it’s b/c CAPEX is a democratic organization that has elections every 6 months and averages around 100 members – so w/ that set-up, there will be drama.  In some ways, this is good.  Namely, I think this why CAPEX has survived 13 years and 3 or 4 meltdowns: there’s a widespread sense of ownership.  This is our group.  And when people start getting burnt-out, there are others who step in and pick-up the burden.  I know of very few "dictatorship" groups that have lasted 13 years.

Because of our rules and procedures, getting someone booted out of CAPEX (which is necessary on rare occasions) is like getting a bill through congress.  Getting someone booted from Dominion (which is likewise necessary on rare occasions) essentially consists of Sir and Master Dan coming to an agreement.  That makes it sooooo much easier to keep out the trolls and the creeps and the jerks.

Sex vs. no-sex play spaces?  Every 3 or 4 years somebody tries to change the rules at CAPEX to allow sex at our parties.  I have always argued against allowing sex (and I always win).  I have nothing against sex… but my view is that CAPEX is an education-based group targeted at new people, most of our members have been in BDSM only a few years, and we don’t screen people coming in.  Not allowing sex seems like a prudent call for such a group.

There’s no doubt, however, that Bannon is correct about pansexual parties being less sexy.  Dominion has much more of a sexual charge and the activities are more sexual.  CAPEX (primarily) is much more of a “pure” S/m party – it’s mostly about hurting and being hurt.  So… yeah, it’s kind of cool to be in the dungeon, get your ass beat by your Sir, taken off the cross, and dropped to you knees to blow him right there in the dungeon.  It’s a bonding experience.  LOL

(And I suppose I could add to this list a third, more exclusive level – our private, usually-twice-a-year Treehouse parties which are strictly invitation only and sex is “not only allowed but encouraged.”)

It’s not, for me a matter of: you must choose one or the other.  I can have both.  Our community can have room for both!  It’s stupid to say that every club/event/party needs to be pansexual and inclusive… and it’s stupid to say that none should be.  Not every group or space needs to be open to everybody at all times and that is okay.  Balance is good.

All of that being said, there is a form of exclusivity that, I believe, has no place in our community.  The we-are-better-than-you bullshit.  I’ve not encountered a lot of this first-hand, but I’m hearing (second hand) about this going on a lot more.  This attitude of our way is the TRUE way.  If you don’t do M/s like this then you’re not a TRUE Master/slave.  If you’re not old-school leather then you’re not the real deal – you’re just a kinkster.  What a bunch of BS!  That’s a kind of exclusivity that we don’t need anywhere.  And I think what Bannon was getting at is that in moving away from that kind of (bad) exclusivity we’ve moved to a different kind of (bad) inclusiveness that isn’t a logical connection.  I can say “M/s is not any better than other kinky dynamics,” and still support a MAST chapter which is an exclusively M/s group… b/c it’s not a blanket rejection (i.e. 'the rest of you aren’t as good as us'); it’s just a definition of what kind of group you have.

And now for something completely different:  (SQUIRREL!)

So, we don’t have cable, but I finally got around to watching the new Teen Wolf series.  (Filmed in Atlanta; I recognize some of the buildings in the background.)  Loving it.  I picked-up season 1 and 2, and I’ve been marathon-ing them this weekend.  For those who don’t know me: Werewolves are like porn for me.  Literally.  Porn.  There’s a scene in season 1 where, on the night of the full moon, the hero is handcuffed to a radiator by his best friend… and then his friend brings him water in a dog bowl.  I got an instant hard-on.  (Or I would have if I weren't locked up.)  Werewolf + handcuffs + doggie bowl = sex.  (Well, for me anyway...)  So, a dozen episodes in, and I am insanely horny by now, Ma’am is away for the weekend and I’m not allowed to touch myself, and the only reason that I’m able to obey right now is b/c I’m locked in a chastity cage.  Otherwise I’d be humping everything in the house.  *frustrated growl*


  1. Aw. Poor puppy...
    I seem to know another wolfpup that sounds fairly similar too, you got to hang out with her a few weeks ago.... Maybe I should see if she'd like to see that show.

    I do understand what you were talking about at the beginning of the post, about the differences between to single sex and pansex groups,and I agree that Single sex parties are usually hotter of the 2 (the 3rd level are still the best hands down).

    However there are some people who I think would make excellent additions, even though they happen to be the wrong sex, I refer again to a certain wolfpup who has more than a few times been referred to as "thinking like a gay man". I wish though there was a way to allow people like that into certain parties.....

  2. Yes, you definitely interpreted my post well. Thanks!

    Race Bannon