Back from MAL (Mid-Atlantic Leather), and this post will
(mostly) be about my observations on the differences between a het-dominated leather
con and a gay leather con… or, really, more about a difference I see
between het and gay leather culture in general.
I’ll preface this by saying that this is painted in broad strokes and
exceptions abound.
My first gay leather con was The Big One: IML. I went in 2014. I found there were no classes. There was a contest less then half the people
there cared about. There were many
parties, drinking, and mingling. And lots of sexy, fetishy gear on display. This was a hook-up con!
This last weekend was my first MAL, but I knew what to
expect. I explained to my omega (this
was his first gay leather con): “This isn’t SELF. There are no classes; there are parties. Guys are going there to hook-up and have lots
of great sex.” And that is what we
found.
Rather than give you all the blow-by-blow of my weekend
(which went very well, and I did hook-up with a couple of hot puppies including
one very sexy rubber-clad Alpha who came back to my room and fucked me silly),
instead I figured I’d reflect on some thoughts the experience brought about on
the differences between the two “leather” (whatever the hell that means)
communities I sometimes walk in (or, at least, adjacent to). Specifically, I want to comment on three
myths I find predominantly in the het community that don’t jive w/ what I see
in the gay community.
Myth Number One: You
never drink and play
I have actually been to an event in Asheville (held at a bar
that included a pair of St Andrew’s Crosses) where a couple of older, het
“leather” people got vocally uptight about the younglings mixing play and
alcohol – and even interrupted someone’s scene.
“These kids are just a bunch of sex and drugs
hedonists! Real leather folk know that
you never drink and play!”
Right. Do these
people not know that the leathersex culture grew out of gay BARS? You know… places where they serve alcohol?
At MAL they had three bars going in the lobby and another
full bar set-up downstairs in the ballroom dance floor. Alcohol was flowing like water. And there was still lots of sex and lots of
play. And not to even mention the
poppers…
Myth Number Two: It’s
all about honor and tradition
This comes up sometimes in the gay community as well, but I
don’t see it stressed nearly so much as in het leather. I am sooooooooo sick of hearing that leather
is about honor and integrity and tradition.
B-u-l-l s-h-i-t. First of all, as
I’ve often pointed out, honor and integrity are things you should have, not b/c
you are into leather, but b/c you’re a human being. Second, as I’ve just as often pointed out, I
know just as many non-leather kinksters who are extremely honorable and honest
as I know leather people who are low-down, predatory scum. I know ABDLs whom I would trust w/ my life
and leathermen I wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire. Think someone is honorable and trustworthy
b/c they have a leather vest covered w/ pins?
Well, let me tell you about the leatherman who was such a terrible,
dangerous, abusive predator that he made himself so unwelcome that he had to
buy his way onto the guest list of a leadership con by stealing money from
another kink group and donating the stolen money the leadership con so he could
come there and teach classes – on community leadership! The mind doth reel…
Many, mostly in the het community but some (especially
older) gay men as well, have this idealized version of leather b/c it allows
them to put themselves up on a pedestal and look down on everyone else. “Oh, you’re just a kinkster; you don’t know
about honor and integrity.” “Oh, you’re
just a fetishist; you don’t value tradition.”
You can see me rolling my eyes, right?
Yes, honor and tradition were a part of gay leather, but not
in the way most of these guys think. As Hardy Haberman recently put it: “The honor part had to
do with the fact that you had to trust the people you played with. You had to trust that they knew what they
were doing and that they weren’t misleading you.” (http://kinkycast.com/archive/2016-archive---episodes-101/101---hardy-haberman--.html) This “honor and integrity” part is now just a
basic, common sense tenet of BDSM, swinging, and ethical sluttery. There’s nothing uniquely leathery about it.
The focus on tradition, as Hardy
Haberman explained, was always an invented, mock tradition. If you were into military fetish then you
aped military traditions. If it was
outlaw bikers that turned you on, then you grabbed from that. It was about aping the traditions that made
your dick hard.
Myth Number Three: It’s
not about sex
Ah, the big one.
At MAL, you can stand in the hotel lobby late Saturday night
and see guys getting hand-jobs in the crowd.
If you walk into the public restrooms off the lobby then you will find
the row of three stalls literally shaking because guys are in each stall having
sex. At MAL, if you go to the
observation windows on the top floor that look over the hotel’s room windows,
then you can see guys in a dozen different rooms with their lights on and
curtains wide open fucking and fisting – knowing that you’re up there watching
them. And if you walk the upstairs
hallways of the hotel at night, you may stumble upon a one puppy giving another
pup a blowjob in the hallway…
While on the straight side of the fence, kinksters and
fetishists are separated out from leather (a distinction which doesn’t often make
a whole lot of sense) and often looked down upon. I’ve encountered leather folk actually slut-shaming their fellow
kinksters. WTF!? “Oh, she’s only in it for the sex.” WTF!?
We’re not a fucking church group!
BDSM is a sexual orientation!
Look, I’m not saying leather clubs don’t raise money for
charities and do other community things… but that’s not what defines them as
leather groups. What defines them is the
sex. Not necessarily always genital
penetration, but I mean sex in broad terms: bondage, domination, S/m,
humiliation, foot worship, gear fetish…
One of the biggest differences between a men-only dungeon
and a mixed gender dungeon mirrors a big difference between a gay leather con
and a het-dominated leather con: the former in both cases has a lot more
fucking going on.
Alcohol and drugs (at least poppers) are certainly not
foreign to the leathersex scene.
It’s only about integrity in as much as that’s a safety
issue and it’s only about tradition in as much as that gets you dick hard.
Sex? Oh, yes. It’s definitely about sex. To evoke Hardy Haberman
one last time: “Leather, for me, was
about rough, raunchy sex with men.” And
there you have it.
