2013 Year in Review (1)

I have used this format at the end of each year since 2004.  So, let the tradition continue.  I’m going to break it up in two posts.

40 questions about my year (Part One, 1-20):

1. What did you do this year that you'd never done before?

The most new experience was marching in the Atlanta Pride Parade.  There were a handful of other little things: Attended the Maryland RennFair; went to AnarchroCon, the Greenville Scottish Games, and the Domination parties in Asheville – witnessed a gay bashing in Asheville – saw Spank! the 50 Shades musical parody, the Blind Boys of Alabama, and Maya Angelou… and bought a Babylon 5 DVD from J. Michael Strazynski’s nephew.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I made two: (1) Finish and publish the family history book I’ve been researching/writing for three years.  Check.  (2) Sketch in my new leather, hand-made sketchbook at least once a week. No check.  I resolve to try that again next year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5. Did anyone close to you get married?

Yes.  Loki and his husband got married.  Legally.  Yea!  :)

6. What places did you visit?

Continued to spend a fair amount of time in Atlanta… and SC.  Went back to Dragon*Con for the first time in like 5 or 6 years.  We went to the Maryland RennFair and visited Mertyl Beach to fly a kite; did Frolicon, SELF, SITS…

7. What would you like to have next year that you lacked this year?

 Vast cosmic power

8. What day from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

 The day I got my vest at Frolicon, marching in Atlanta Pride Parade, and the CAPEX Halloween (in November) party were memorable.

9. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

 This is kind of an odd answer, but I think it was just being there for people who needed me to be there and hanging in there with them.

10. What was your biggest failure?

It’s not exactly a “failure,” but: I had to throw away five, big boxes of my books.  My 16 year-old cat started pissing all along the bottom of the book cases in the library and before we realized it she had destroyed most of my history and psychology books and Star Wars novels.  Kind’a sucked.

11. Did you suffer illness or injury?

A hernia… which required surgery to put back together – my first ever surgery

12. What was the best thing you bought?

 I didn’t buy it, but work issued me an iPad mini which I’ve come to enjoy – mostly for listening to podcasts; that’s 95% of what I use it for.

13. Whose behavior merited a celebration?

My friend Max who, after taking a few years off, re-started his career this year, and so far it’s looking pretty good.  I’m glad to see him getting his mojo back.

14. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

(1)  A couple of pieces of human garbage up in Virginia Beach took in my pack mate, Pup Hunter, and after Hunter started suffering some depression they kicked him out, kept (i.e. stole) all his belongings, and even, out of sheer cruelty, phoned in an anonymous tip to the air port security that he was smuggling drugs, which got Hunter detained and strip-searched by the cops at the airport.  *Growls*  People like that have no business cluttering-up planet Earth, and should be removed to some place that has less atmosphere.  (2)  One of my friends acquired his own Alex Forrest.  A girl whom I believe to be literally obsessive and delusional stalking him around online, bombarding him w/ text messages, etc. (even though he never responds to her).  Then some of her friends sent threatening messages to my Owner…  It’s actually a bit scary.

15. Where did most of your money go?

Technically I bought a car this year, but Ma’am is paying for that, so: Kitten’s beautiful Renn outfit and new hot tub parts!

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Our pack doing a puppy play class at CAPEX.  That was fun.  :)

17. What song will always remind you of this year?

Hmmm… probably Viva la Vida by Coldplay.  No particular reason; I just got stuck on that for a while this year.

18. Compared to this time last year, you are:

in a lot more pain.  (Recovering from open – not laparoscopic – surgery.)

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Same answer as last year:  Gaming and attending Trish’s philosophy salon.  Always enjoy both, but never get an opportunity for either more than a couple of times a year.

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Waiting for Max to finish the shit he needs to do for the book we’re co-authoring

Hobbits and Hernias. (I'm not Dead Yet.)

Just about 2 weeks ago I found a lump on my groin.  I was relatively sure it was a hernia, but hoped it would be something simpler that would go away on its own.  No such luck.  It was a hernia, and a hernia of unusual size nonetheless.  My Owner scheduled me for an operation.  I have never had surgery before, never broke any bones, never even had my tonsils out.  I'm pretty sure I've never even spent the night in a hospital for anything.  So I was just a smidg nervous about this.

The night before my first ever surgery, Ma'am was craving Asian food, so we went out, and decided why not take in a movie.  We wanted to see Saving Mr. Banks, but found it not out yet... So we decided to pony up for the second Hobbit.  I have not seen the first Hobbit; the reviews were so bad I had no desire to sit through it.  Knowing the book, I figured this would be the best of the three because the middle third is the best portion of the very short novel, and it did get better reviews than the first one.  I left the theatre not hating it... But it sure wasn't good either.  It can best be described as fan fiction run amok.  It's been a while since I read the book, but I think around 75% of the movie is not from the book.  Peter Jackson was just adding shit - as much shit as he could think of.  None of it actually leads anywhere or contributes anything to the story.  It's just all these tangents and rabbit trails that lead nowhere but eventually loop back around to Tolkien's story.   It's more like a video game than a movie, going from random fight to random fight way beyond the point where you give a crap.  You could seriously cut that whole film down to like 30 minutes and not lose a single story beat or plot point or anything of significance.  It would make perfect sense and be far less annoying at 30 or 40 minutes.  It really is like 40 minutes of story and 2 hours of filler mixed in.

So here is my theory.  There must be a maximin number of fight/action scenes you can put in a film before the audience really stops to care.  Whatever that number is, Jackson exceeded it.

Here's a corollary of that theory.  There is a maximum number of times that a hero can ALMOST get stabbed/shot/smashed before being saved JUST in the barest knick of time before the audience stops giving a crap.  Jackson exceeded that number.

I left the theatre saying it wasn't bad but wasn't good.  But the more I reflect on it... No, that was just bad.  I wanted to like it, but can't.  It's a shit movie.  Save your money.  Watch the old 1977 animated movie.  It has it's flaws, but it's also only 77 minutes long.

Oh, and before I move on, I have to quote my favorite description of Sauron.  Linda Holmes described him as "a fire-breathing Georgia O'keefe painting."  LOL

But I didn't come here to talk about that.  I was talking about my hernia... Which was only slightly more painful than that movie.  I was nervous, as I was saying, about surgery.  Never had one before and never want to have another one.  My Owner was, of course, awesome.  She held everything together and took fantastic good care of me.  I love her so much, and just can't imagine life without her.

They briefly took me away from Kitten when they took me back to get the IV in.  They had me change into a gown and sox... Both of which were purple and had paw prints on them.  I thought the paw prints was a good sign.  Ma'am was allowed to briefly rejoin me, and when she saw my paw print sox and gown she smiled big.  Definitely a good omen.

The surgery seems to have gone very well.  When they revived me (I had never been under general anesthetic before) they were surprised and encouraged when I reported my pain level as only a 2 or 3 on a scale to 10.  I wasn't trying to act tough, I really didn't feel much pain - certainly nothing compared to what Ma'am or Sir routinely put me through.  In the car, Ma'am had my collar and my squeaky dragon toy waiting for me.  Wedding band back on my finger, collar back around my neck and squeaky toy in my teeth, Ma'am drove me home.

So now I have a plastic mesh permanently implanted in the muscle lining of my groin.  His name is Malcolm.  Malcolm in my middle.  So now when you see me you can ask how Malcolm is feeling today.  And my new safe word when any CBT gets too rough: "Don't upset Malcolm!"

My lovely Owner has been fantastic through all of this.  She's taking very good care of me... While simultaneously getting the Treehouse (our rustic and eccentric home) ready for a small avalanche of guests to descend upon us in a few days.

Today was the winter solstice.  It's the time of year to gather family about to eat, drink and be merry.  I can't wait to have my family here in a few days.  Parents and pack, best friends and new friends, poly boyfriends and poly girlfriends... And poly girlfriend's boyfriends.  LOL.  A dog, a wolf, three cats, a partridge in a pear tree, and my new buddy Malcolm the Mesh in my Midsection.

Twenty-one Things About Me

This was a meme going around FetLife that I'm cross-posting b/c I know not everyone is on Fet.

1.    I generally don’t cry at movies, but the one movie that usually makes me cry is the end of E.T.  The last movie that made me tear-up was Warhorse.  Fucking Steven Spielberg!
2.    I think I have a mild form of prosopagnosia (AKA face blindness); I often have great trouble recognizing faces, even of those I’ve known for years.  I know people more by voice and body, clothes, and context, but if you just show me a photo of someone’s face…
3.    I ride a motorcycle: a 2004 Yamaha FZ6.
4.    For about a year and a half I went to a Zen Center once a week for meditation and dharma talks.  I really liked it.
5.    I drink lots of milk.  In the summer I can go through a gallon in just 2 or 3 days.  I also eat lots of cookies.  One of my best friends says I'm on the Santa Clause diet.
6.     I like art-house films (like Richard Linklater's "Before..." trilogy) and classic movies (like The Big Sleep) and generally can’t stand most “popcorn” Hollywood contrived-blockbuster flicks (like Transformers).  But I'm not a film snob; I also love James Bond and Indiana Jones...  And I'm not a Star Wars prequel hater; I like the original trilogy more, but didn't hate the prequels.
7.    When I was a kid they thought I might be dyslexic or have some other undiagnosed reading disorder: my comprehension has always been very good but I read slow and my spelling was very, very bad (i.e. in high school I still occasionally misspelled my own name).  Now I thank the gods for spell check.
8.    I am slow to anger, and I’m no good at holding grudges.  I shrug things off easily.  Ma'am and I have been together for 9 years, and she's only seen me get really mad like two or three times.
9.    I read a lot, but mostly non-fic.  I usually only do 1 or 2 novels a year.
10.    My dad died when I was nine.  I never really got over it.
11.    When I was a kid, my favorite superhero was Spider-man.  As a teenager, my favorite was Wolverine.  In college, my favorite comic was The Sandman.  I haven’t bought many new comics since about 2000, but I have a huge collection I enjoy re-reading.
12.    I have three undergraduate majors; one is in philosophy and one is in fine art.  After I finished my Masters Degree in 2000, the plan was to work for about 5 years, then go back for a PhD and find a job in academia… instead I bought a treehouse and got married.  So far, I’m good w/ this.  :)
13.  I'm secretly part Thri-kreen.
14.    I love Shakespeare.  (But also just live theatre in general.)
15.    I’ve been a huge fan of the late mythologist Joseph Campbell since I was like 17.  I love how he can blend spirituality w/ art, psychology, and great storytelling.  I was one of the original members of the Joseph Campbell Foundation back when it first started in 1995 or so.  That was the first thing I really used the internet for: their online newsletter and listserv. 
16.    I grew up in Fairyland.  Literally.  Fairyland, GA.  My house was on Oberon Trail.  I am a creature of the Fey.
17.    I am an introvert.  I’m not at all shy; there is a difference.  I just find people taxing, and need lots of alone-time to recharge after socializing.
18.    I have been elected to the CAPEX board four times, but only served a 12-month term once.  Twice, I was elected to a 6 month term, and once I resigned after three months b/c the board was paralyzed by a few assholes who were making sure nobody was having any fun.  (I really had hoped to smooth things over and get things on-track, but after a couple of months I saw that this wasn’t going to happen.)
19.    My earliest memory is being 3 years old and lying on the roof of our car at a drive-in movie watching Star Wars.
20.    My brother and I are total opposites.  He is type-A, neurotic, extremely socially conscious (i.e. always nervous about what others think of him), homophobic, very right-wing, likes to thump his Bible (but I doubt he has any really deep spiritual beliefs, thoughts, or questions), loves computers and is obsessed w/ the latest social networking technology, obsesses on college football, loves Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter, racist (he thinks it’s funny to swap “nigger” jokes w/ his redneck friends), and believes man-made climate change is all a left-wing conspiracy.  Total opposites.
21.    My chief value is friendship – and always has been.  I don’t want popularity, but I need a small circle of true, loyal friends.  My peak moments in my life have been w/ my friends.  I am excessively loyal to them.  I have a circle of friends going back to Jr. High School – we’ve hung together for 25 years – but my best friend is my Owner.

A Bloody Good CAPEX Weekend for the Treehouse Family

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Loki on the Law

Long, long ago, CAPEX hosted a class taught by a kinky NC law enforcement officer on BDSM and the law.  It was one of the best classes I can recall ever attending.  There’s a lot of important things anyone seriously involve in BDSM/kink/leather-sex should be aware of in regards to legal risks and protections.  That’s also why CAPEX has always been a sponsor of NCSF, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.  Every year for the last decade CAPEX has donated money to NCSF.  Their website has a lot of good resources on it.  When CAPEX legally incorporated six years ago, NCSF put us in touch with a lawyer to help us.  And a few years later, when She-who-must-not-be-named threatened to out various CAPEX members in the media, send the cops after us, file a lawsuit, burn our houses, steal our women, and rape our cattle, I believe NCSF was one of our first go-to’s.

On the latest episode of the NoSafeWord podcast, they interviewed a kinky lawyer in Atlanta (who also happens to be my favorite Alpha Pup –licks– ) on the legalities (and illegalities) of BDSM.  If you’re kinky, whether you run a dungeon party or whether it’s just you and your partner enjoying rough sex in the bedroom, there are some important things and helpful tips you should hear.  Domestic violence calls, kidnap scenes, dealing with the cops, transporting your toys (and your poppers and your prescriptions)…  Do yourself a favor and take a listen:  Loki on the Law.

Everything is Amazing and Nobody is Happy

I love this!  This is my whole life philosphy in a four minute rant:
http://www.thatvideosite.com/v/94
Nuff said!

Puppies Breed like Rabbits!

IPC titleholder Slavepup Axel recently posted a very interesting (and thorough) report.  He did a qualitative survey of lots of pup group leaders around the country about challenges they face.  I can tell Axel put a lot of time into this report, and it offers a really great, big-picture overview of the state of the pup community right now… which amazed me w/ how much it has grown and is growing.  He mentions numerous pup organizations, clubs, and contests.  (I’ve decided that we pups should boast about the fact that we are so cool that we require TWO international pup contests.  One isn’t enough to capture our collective awesomeness.  LOL)

Let me first back-up here…  I’ve been active in the BDSM scene for 12 years (preceded by a couple of years of Stand & Model S&M) and I’ve been a pup for almost 9 years (since very early [February?] ’05).  For almost all of that time I was the only pup I knew.  There were no other pups who ever came to CAPEX or TAAG or Lynx or LaFortress or Whippersnappers or any of the places I haunted.  My Owner took me to Frolicon almost every year since it began, and she would always let me pup-out and led me around on-leash at the con in front of hundreds of people.  Loved it!  But there was just me.  (The one exception in all those years was Boy Andy’s puppy persona Needa w/ whom I was able to romp a couple of times.  And also I guess you could count the first time we went to SELF [2007] when I briefly encountered another pup who said there was going to be a mosh that night in the dungeon… but Ma’am and I weren’t able to make it, so that was that…)  Even most of my old friends in my home club (CAPEX, Charlotte) had never even seen me pup-out… and the couple of times at CAPEX I did pup-out it was just me.  For years I did almost all of my pupping out at home w/ only my Owner.

All of that is pretty tough if being a pup is your main kink and an important part of your identity.  I’m still almost the only pup I know of in NC, but now, I’m a member of the coolest puppy pack out of Atlanta, GA.  So my pack is about a 4.5 hour drive away from me.  I make it a goal to get down there to sniff everybody once a month, and sometimes the stars align and I see my pack twice in a month.  But the fact that there is a pack w/in 5 hours of me is something that would not have been the case just a couple of years ago.  I joined Loki’s pack last year and brought the “official” membership up to three.  There are now like five of us in the “core group” of Loki’s pack w/ several (maybe 7 or 8?) other Atlanta puppies who circle in more or less elliptical orbits around Sir. So, I could say, in general, the number of pups I know of in Atlanta looks like it doubled in just the last year.  It’s crazy.

Now let me return to Axel’s survey.  Te read about so many pup groups springing-up around the country (most of the pup groups/clubs/packs surveyed are less than two years old) is very, very cool.  To read of pup/Handler groups w/ 40 or more members makes my jaw drop.  It’s amazing to me how fast this scene is taking off.  And 60 members in SEA-PAH!  Wow!  What are they putting in the water up there?

It’s definitely a really exciting time to be a puppy.  One of my major goals for next year is to make it to one of the big pup gatherings: I’m looking at either IML’s Woof Camp or CLAW.  (CLAW falls right on Ma'am and I's birthdays next year, so that would be a cool birthday trip...)  I’d love to go to all of them, but financially I think I can only really afford one event like that per year.  Maybe I’ll see you there!

Orson Scott Card, Ender’s Game, and Contradictions

Today I read a fantastic interview on Salon.com.  In 2000, Donna (“commie lesbian”) Minkowitz interviewed Orson Scott Card.  Here’s an excerpt:

Now, I’m someone who loves contradictions, especially in writers. I think Ezra Pound should have been allowed to remain in the Poets’ Corner of New York’s Cathedral of St. John the Divine because his fascism and anti-Semitism will never make him a less beautiful poet. I have great fun reading Andrea Dworkin, even though I agree with her about exactly one thing: Rape is bad. And Allan Bloom’s translation of Plato’s “Republic” is fantastic and remains fantastic, even though his politics were gross.  But it’s one thing to admire a bigot on the page, and another to endure a two-hour conversation with one. And my love and admiration for Card only made it worse. Talking to Klansmen was nothing compared to talking to the author of the most ethical book I’ve ever read.

For those of you who don’t know, Card is the author of Ender’s Game, one of my favorite works of sci-fi/fantacy.  It’s about a boy who grew-up in violence, who is then trained in violence by an abusive, manipulative military academy that wants to mold the young super-genius into a literally genocidal military commander.  It’s a book w/ a lot to say about drone technology, preemptive attacks, just wars, post-traumatic stress disorder (in children), and killing-by-joystick… but also about compassion, communication, and overcoming Otherness.

That’s ironic.  Because Card is a ranting homophobic bigot.

This interview is really, really good.  Minkowitz perfectly captures (w/ both mockery and venom) what a disgusting creep Card is… while also managing to convey how really good (quality-good and morally-good) his book is – despite its author.  This interview is definitely worth reading – Oh, but before you read, it’s worth knowing that in terms of Jungian psychology, your “shadow” is made-up of those yucky, nasty, bad qualities in you that you can’t bear to consciously recognize, so you project them onto others, refusing to see them in yourself.  Keep that in mind while you read Card’s idiotic (but strangely revealing) prattle:

http://www.salon.com/2000/02/03/card/

Inclusively… and not being an Asshole

Not long ago, I wrote about the balance we need between inclusively and exclusivity.  http://pupemrys.blogspot.com/2013/08/inclusive-exclusive-balance-and.html

I concluded: “It’s stupid to say that every club/event/party needs to be pansexual and inclusive… and it’s stupid to say that none should be.  Not every group or space needs to be open to everybody at all times and that is okay.  Balance is good.  All of that being said, there is a form of exclusivity that, I believe, has no place in our community.  The we-are-better-than-you bullshit.  I’ve not encountered a lot of this first-hand, but I’m hearing (second hand) about this going on a lot more.  This attitude of our way is the TRUE way.  If you don’t do M/s like this then you’re not a TRUE Master/slave.”

This point has also come up in different ways in many of the recent episodes of No Safe Word.  One of the great things about that podcast is that (in addition to being fun and entertaining) it’s very inclusive and (small-d) democratic.  They bring on guests from all kinds of backgrounds and fetishes and sub-groups: letherati, puppies, furries, switches, ABDL, erotic hypnosis, piss players…  Frequently, I’ll look at the topic of the show and go, “Eh, not interested… but I’ll give it a chance…” and then halfway through the show, I’m totally hooked – not b/c the topic is ABDL or whatever, but b/c the conversation is just lively and interesting and fun.  But back to what I was saying: Several times in recent shows this theme of inclusively has come up.  I’ll point toward two:  The interview w/ Dart (Episode 45) was very good.  For instance: He’s a switch and has been slave to a Master while simultaneously Master to his own slave… and he’d go to leather events wearing both his Master’s cap and his collar at the same time, and this would give the TRUE Leather Path jerks conniption fits.  LOL.  Another great episode was talking furries w/ Nightcat (Ep. 48).  There’s a lot of overlap between the puppy community and the furry community… and if Old-school Leather is at the top of the kink hierarchy – the popular kids and the captain of the football team and shit – and rubber in the mid-zone; puppies, diaper fetishists, and furries are the nerds, geeks, and weirdoes at the bottom of the heap, so there’s some inherent solidarity between pups, furs and littles.  But one of the things Nightcat talked about was that most furries are kinky, and almost all of those kinky furries are into stuff other than just fur suits: bondage, piss play, humiliation, etc.  So if you disregard and discount someone just b/c they are furry, that’s stupid of you b/c (1) they might be a cool person, and (2) you may have other kinky interests in common you could hook-up over.

Just like No Safe Word has brought in a wide range of guests, that’s also very much what we’ve traditionally done w/ the education line-up at CAPEX.  I’ve frequently said that, for my money, CAPEX, my home club, is the top education group in the Southeast.  Part of that is b/c we cater to a wide spectrum and we deliberately bring in presenters from all aspects of the greater fetish/BDSM community.  CAPEX isn’t a leather club (like the Tradesmen).  It’s not an M/s group (like Charlotte’s MAST).  It’s not a bondage group (like Cable), or a fem dom group (like Charlotte Fem Dom Society).  CAPEX is there for everybody, and I love that.  (1) That’s a great way to learn.  Just about every CAPEXian who has been around for a couple of years will have at least one story about a “That’s not my thing” class they reluctantly went to – and were surprised to get something out of it.  (2)  You might meet someone who is into something you’re not but still make a good connection, maybe become friends, maybe find that they are into something you are into as well.

That’s what I love about CAPEX.  That’s what I love about the No Safe Word podcast.  And that’s also (I’ll insert another plug here… no, that wasn’t a euphemism) what I love about Frolicon.  Frolicon is by far my favorite con in part b/c it is by far the most inclusive con I’ve been to.  I love that there are leather folks and boot-blacks mingling w/ puppies and furriers and rubber fetishists and diaper fetishists and swingers and drunken hedonists.  It’s fucking fantastic!  And (virtually) everybody at Frolicon is so open and cool and non-judgmental.  And the breadth of classes offered at Frolicon (from self-publishing erotica to furry fan art to boot-blacking to a whiskey and cigar tasting) is far greater than any other kink convention I’ve been to.  (And it typically falls w/in a week or two of me and Shdwkitten’s birthdays.)

Earlier I compared CAPEX to the Tradesmen, Cable, Charlotte Fem Dom, etc.  Is CAPEX right and those groups wrong?  Hell, no.  As I said: It’s stupid to say that every club/event/party needs to be pansexual and inclusive… and it’s stupid to say that none should be.  The bottom line is: Don’t be a snob.  Don’t be a jerk.  Don’t be that idiot that Race Bannon rather un-wisely re-posted on his blog.  Don’t be an asshole.  We are all in a sub-group in a sub-group of a minority.  The least we can do is be cool to our fellow sub-sub-sub-groupies.

This is why we March

The following was recently posted on a social networking site I'm on:

"My family found out awhile back that I was bi. So naturally a christian family said I was messed up in the head and took me to see a conceler and he said "Nothing is wrong with him". So my family let me go to college, I was lucky to go to [private Baptist] University. Now my family wants to pull me out of college because they found out I'm still Bi and that I want to be a pup. And the worst part is my own father is kicking me out of my family on Monday I may not have a home anymore. Can anyone give me advice on what to do I'm sad, heartbroken and just plain confused with what I should do next. Please help."

Two days later, the same person (who is 20 years-old - and adverse to punctuation) posted this:

"I found a solution paying for [private Baptist U] is too much over $25,000 is too much it's a pirvate college I'm moving away ill get a job earn money for a year pay for a community college and be happy with my life as to how my family found out about my life they had spiwere on my computer about 2 or 3 years ago they found out. I've been to over 12 theopists all trying to get me to no longer be Bi or into any fetish they sent me to camps that taught kids that gays were sin and the army of satin for about 2-3 years I've lived in hell I hacked my computer so my family can't put spiwere on my computer anymore and well it's sad I have to leave my family to be happy but it's something I have to do I have to step up and be a man not some wimp that everyone can push around I hope I see everyone in the future it's going to be a Long bus ride"

Today, I responded:

I hope you are doing well. I was glad to read that you were leaving [private Baptist U] (almost certainly the wrong place for you to be). Community college is a great option.

I can only echo what others have said – but nonetheless I feel compelled to do so.

Know that there is nothing wrong w/ you; there is something wrong w/ them and you almost certainly won’t be able to fix them.

Know that you have every right to distance yourself from them as much as you feel you need to. I’m guessing that’s not easy, but you have every right to do what is best and healthy for you. My best friend, who is gay, broke virtually all contact w/ his biological family when he was in his early twenties (about 20 years ago now). He is fond of saying, “The family you’re born w/ is like the cards you get dealt in a game of poker: you can’t choose the cards, but you can choose not to keep them.”

Most importantly, know that you aren’t alone. Certainly one of the best things to come from the internet is that it allows those like us to connect w/ others like us. Stay connected. Keep us posted. We’re pulling for you.

And if you ever feel like you want to talk to a complete stranger (but a completely sympathetic stranger) don’t hesitate to message me.

Take care.
Pup Emrys

I thought of the Pride Parade a couple of weeks back. I thought of being on all fours in pup-gear, marching (and trotting) on-leash in front of literally thousands of people.  And I thought: This is why we march.

Atlanta Pride Weekend

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Notes and Miscellanea... and Dancing Nuns

Just a collection of notes and miscellanea today…

Item 1

The leading story:  Apparently my whole pack decided to jump Race Bannon’s shit.  LOL.  It’s classic pack behavior: the Alpha makes an aggressive move toward somebody and – blink – the whole pack is bearing its collective teeth and moving in for the kill.  It started when Race Bannon re-posted some idiot’s rant about how educators and demos are ruining kink, and Bannon praised this post as being so insightful and wise.  You can find it here; it really does read like Old Man Yells at Cloud. http://bannon.com/2013/09/16/have-we-jumped-the-shark/

And in response we have…

Sir’s well-argued logic flavored with growly irritation: http://loki.alpha-pup.org/shark-jumping-a-rant/

Tebow’s raw passion: http://tallglassofoj.org/jumping-the-snark/

Hunter’s humor and joy in debate: http://prolixrhetoric.blogspot.com/2013/09/jumping-shark-to-avoid-jumping-gun.html

As for my own 2-cents… well, I’ve already addressed this issue a couple of ways:

Here, where I correctly argued that lecture-formatted classes have their place (to give basic info and introduce ideas) when supplemented w/ other avenues to pursue more in-depth hands-on learning: http://pupemrys.blogspot.com/2012/07/over-educating-community.html

And here, where I correctly argued that there is nothing wrong w/ having BOTH open, inclusive education and networking groups (like CAPEX) and exclusive play-party groups (like Atlanta Dominion): http://pupemrys.blogspot.com/2013/08/inclusive-exclusive-balance-and.html

Well, now that I’ve given you enough links to send you off in ten different directions…

Item 2

The other day, my lovely Owner and I (along w/ our Poet friend) were walking the streets of Ashville when Ma’am looked up ahead and observed, “There’s a nun in a short skirt dancing on a table.”

To which I could only reply, “Jeez, another one?”

And then we went to see Hamlet at Shakespeare in the Park…

Item 3

Thanks to Episode of 45 of the No Safe Word podcast kinky people around the whole world now know that Loki has a “rather large hydrant.”

(What’s really scandalous, though, is that it was Stick’s Maggie who made Sir’s hydrant so large. 0.o  )

Item 4

(Related to the above)

I really, really like packing for Dominion with Loki!  Of course, “packing for Dominion” is a lot like “nap,” which Sir defines as being in bed during the day – not necessarily doing anything restful there.

Item 5

(Related to the above)

I discovered, Sunday morning, that Sir likes Miley Cyrus.  Who knew?  (I debated whether to elaborate on that… but, no, I think I’ll just leave that as our in-joke.)

Item 6

Atlanta Dominion was Sunday.  I got to lick a boy wearing a full, Joe Rocket sportbike riding suit… and I got to share Sir’s bone with Puppy Hunter.  Yea teamwork!  Go team!  So… yes, Atlanta Dominion = much hotness.

Item 7

(Speaking of hotness...)

 My Owner, the pyro-kitten, has taken up fire dancing w/ poi balls.  Stay tuned to her Fet for photos to come.

Item 8

(Speaking of my fantastic Owner...)

I recently got a new wolfhound shirt.  (I collect T-shirts w/ Irish wolfhounds stuff on them.)  I showed it to Ma'am - it's a beige tee w/ a drawing of a wolfhound's head on it.  She looked at it and said in all seriousness, "It looks just like you!"  We both then laughed, and she explained, "That's how I picture you."  LOL.

That was a few days ago, and then, Saturday, Ma'am and I woke-up snuggled-up in bed after a nap (an actual nap, not a Loki "nap").  She said that she had been dreaming, and that in her dream I was a bio-wolfhound, but still me, just in the body of a wolfhound.  And when she woke-up, she said she was momentarily surprised to see human-me, expecting to see a big, shaggy dog in bed w/ her. I thought that was cute and worth sharing.

And that is what's going on in my world.

Poly: Who’s No 1? Who’s No 2?

I started to write a reply to a post by NTempest, but as it expanded in my head I realized I really needed to make it a blog post of its own.

NTempest made this post, “But I still don’t want to be poly…” which you can read if you’re on Fet, but in a nutshell: he’s been w/ his partner for many years, recently added a new (poly) boyfriend.  At first this was clearly defined as a secondary relationship… but now they are re-evaluating that language, what it means, and if it’s appropriate.

First:  Thank you, NTempest, for posting this.  I thought it was very honest and rewarding to think about.  Poly isn’t easy.  Even if you’ve done it for years like Shdwkitten and I, you still – always – have obstacles to deal with.  That’s true of a relationship between 2 people, so of course the more people you add the more complex it grows… and the more room for misunderstandings and such.

For many years, Shdwkitten and I have had a way of doing things.  She has had many other partners, but one of our rules was that they always had to understand and accept that I am her primary.  Even when she “married” her (now ex) girlfriend, her then-“wife” still had to accept that I was Shdwkitten’s primary partner and there’s was always going to be a secondary relationship.  This (everyone knowing that Kitten and I are primary) was one of the few “non-negotiable” items I insisted on… and for many years that’s how things worked w/ us.

Recently, Ma’am (like NTempest) has grown less comfortable w/ the vocabulary of primary and secondary relationships… and I will confess that this has led to some pretty emotional moments between us as I try to deal w/ this shift and figure out what it means.

Ma’am (as I understand her) seems to have two reasons why she no longer likes saying primary-secondary.  One: she says that her relationships w/ each of her partners are so different, and she gets such different things from each, that trying to “rank” them feels like apples and oranges.  That’s understandable in-as-much as I think that’s why those of us who are poly, are poly.  I think very few people meet ALL their partner’s needs and wants.  (On the other hand… I’m not sure that contradicts the notion of setting priorities, but…)

What NTempest wrote struck a familiar cord w/ me b/c part of it is almost exactly what Ma’am has recently said to me, and that’s her second reason for growing uncomfortable w/ the primary-secondary vocabulary.  Namely: It makes it sound like you’re promising to ALWAYS be willing to abandon plans w/ partner No 2 anytime that partner No 1 says so.

Now, to me, I think that’s clearly not the case.  That’s not what “primary” means to me.  I would hope Ma’am would know that I would not play some “trump card” on her other partners just to be a dick.  “I know you want to go visit X, but I want you to go to a movie w/ me and I’m No 1, so I trump X.”  That’s dickish, and I would never do that.  NTempest wrote: “I also had to point out that even before KZ came along we weren't always each others' priorities in every decision. I'm guessing this is true of most couples who are honest about it. There have been times when I have needed him, and he went with friends instead. I'm sure I have done similar.”  Of course that’s true.  I don’t think saying “Emrys is partner No 1” means “My every decision and every choice must ALWAYS revolve around him.”  That’s silly.

What I’ve said to Ma’am all along is that when she dates other people and when she falls in love w/ other people, I’m okay w/ that… but I need her to be able to look them in the eye and say, w/o and prevarication or hesitation, “Emrys is my No 1 partner.  He’s my husband – my life-partner.  He’s my soul-mate.  He’s the love of my life.  We will always be together, and if you want me in your life, Emrys is part of the package.”  It’s very important to me that all of her significant others know that.  And I want that for their benefit as well as mine – I don’t want anybody getting any false hopes…

For my part, anyone other than Ma’am I get involved with, I have no problem saying to them in an instant, “The Kitten is my No 1.  Nobody else comes close."  Doesn’t mean I can’t have other people in my life, but they will never be in the same level as my relationship w/ Ma’am.  And if someone I were involved w/ thought for a moment they might replace Shadwkitten as my primary partner… sorry, Charlie!  I know that in some ways things are somewhat easier on my side b/c I wear Ma’am’s collar and wedding ring: two very clear, obvious, tangible signals to one-and-all that I belong, body, heart, and soul, to Shdwkitten.  I guess the fact that Ma’am doesn’t wear such obvious symbols (she can’t wear a wedding band anymore b/c it seems to trigger some kind of arthritic reaction in her knuckles) makes it, I guess, all the more important to me that she is so very upfront and categorical w/ other people she’s dating about who comes first, foremost, and forever.

Of course you get different things for different relationships w/ different people.  I get that.

Of course nobody is ALWAYS going to be the center of your attention or (obnoxiously) “trump” everybody else’s needs.  Such a person would be either narcissistic or insecure… and in either case you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship w/ them in the first place.

But I, personally, still want everyone involved in the wacky chain molecule that makes up our family to know that Shdwkitten is my primary and I’m hers.  Does that make sense?  Is that fair?

Two Great Weekends (Kinky Geeky Stuff!)

Last weekend my lovely Owner took her took her puppy up to the Maryland Renaissance Fair along w/ our friend, Poet.  We had a great time (despite a bummer ending for Poet).  It’s about a 6 hour drive from our place – nothing too bad.  We rode up together Friday evening, and were at the Fair site bright and early Saturday morning.  Traffic was fine, lines were fine, and the crowed was fine.  The Maryland RenFair is a great location: about twice the area of our Charlotte RenFair and has lots and lots of trees (it’s almost all shaded, and we didn’t even need to use the sun-screen we brought).  We had a great time walking around, drinking lots and lots of beer, and ogling the eye candy.  They have a reptile show and we got to see a really, freaking huge snake.  Shakespeare’s Scum was, I think, our favorite act we saw; we saw their funny versions of Richard III and Romeo & Juliette.  I solved a math puzzle presented by one of the wandering entertainers.  We ate the obligatory RenFair food (Scotch eggs!)… and did I mention the beer?  There was a lot of beer.  They also have a fun, long slide made of polished wood… and a Ren-themed bookstore where I bought a fabulous little anthropology/folklore book about werewolves written in 1930, which cracks me up reading it b/c it is so un-self-critical in it’s obvious Christian bias in that wonderfully naïve way that only a 1930’s “folklorist” could be – like he frequently refers to the MalleusMaleficarum as this definitive, authoritative source of information.  I love reading anthro/folklore work from that era in general b/c it has this Indiana Jones meets HP Lovecraft in a completely non-PC way that, assuming you don’t find it totally offensive, is really quite fun and charming.

Anyway… Shdwkitten at Ren!  Always a source of entertainment.  While I was solving the afore-mentioned math puzzle, Shdwkitten was chatting w/ this guy who complemented her ink, and then found out she was there w/ her husband and a “boyfriend” (sort of) whom she’s also seeing, and then… he starts hitting on her.  And he’s married, but he’s totally wanting to cheat on his wife (who isn’t there) w/ her.  She teased him, and it was very funny.  But then she topped that.  Because later, we were chilling, and she complemented this cute, 21-year-old, muscular guy on his ink, and then they start chatting.  Now, I’m wearing my collar and Ma’am is petting my hair while also hugging Poet, so this guy makes a reasonable assumption and asks, “Are you on Fet?”  LOL.  He turns out to me Roughmeup99 on Fet… and before we’re done, Ma’am bends him over a fence and, right in front of the crowed, God, everyone, and a couple of Japanese tourists who took pictures, she body-punches his back and claws him bloody.  LOL.  It was just a brief encounter, but we all had a good laugh, and we’re hopping to get-together again – possibly at our RenFair in Charlotte next month… *knock on wood*

The only bummer was that Saturday night Poet came down w/ a fever… which developed into strep… which caused him to miss Dragon*Con.  :(

Which brings me to my second amazing weekend: This weekend was Dragon.  For those who don’t know, Dragon*Con is one of the largest sci-fi/fantacy/gaming cons in the nation.  It’s freaking HUGE.  In fact, it’s too huge, which is why I haven’t gone to one in five or six years.  My first Dragon was in 1990 or ’91, back when it was just in one hotel and a few thousand people.  Then it grew to 2 hotels and was cool… 3 hotels was alright for a while.  But now attendance is over 50,000 people and it’s in 5 hotels.  The last one Ma’am and I went to in ’07 or ‘08 was so f-ing crowded that we just didn’t have a good time.  We felt like we were either standing in lines or crushed in crowds all… day… long.  So we both kind of said: Never again.

Never say never.

Sir contacted Ma’am a couple of days before Dragon and let her know he had an extra badge available.  I thought it over… and said, what the hell?  I’m so glad I did b/c I had a great time. 

Traveling solo, I arrived Friday evening and joined Sir and some friends in the Point of View Lounge for drinks and a game of Cards Against Humanity (the other game where the rules are made up and the points don't matter).  We had so much fun, and were laughing so much that three ladies from a neighboring table asked to join us.  George (Game of Thrones) Martin was also sitting at a neighboring table.  Unfortunately he didn’t ask to join us, b/c it would have been great to say we played Cards Against Humanity w/ George RR Martin.  (I didn’t see it, but Sir said that Martin was carrying a sign earlier that read, “Be nice to me or Tyrion gets it!”  LOL.)  The card game (somehow) led directly to sexy-fun-time back in our room.  I think it had something to do w/ being gang-banged by the Blue Man Group…?  I don’t know – I just seem to remember that at one time I had like four people biting me.

I had some great roommates, including a couple of our extended-pack members – Bishop & Gwynn.  The way I’ve explained our pack before (and this is just my take on it; I don’t speak for anybody else here): we have the sort of “core” group of pups who recognize Loki as our Alpha in some more-or-less formal, D/s way and we follow his protocols (which I think consist only of “Do what the fuck Sir tells us” and “Don’t like olives”), and that’s myself, Tebow, Soma, and Hunter... then there’s this more nebulous group of other pups who surround us and we also have loads of fun with, and that includes a wonderful couple of non-domestic-canine puppies: Bishop (hyena) and Gwynn (wolf).

Saturday morning, Sir had to do one of his speaking panel things, and an old friend of mine (one who I went to Dragon with back in ’90 or ’91 when we were teenagers) joined us for the day.  After Sir’s panel, we hiked over to the Dealer’s Room – which was huge and sprawling and labyrinthine.  At times I wasn’t sure if we were going to ever make it back out again.  I did drool over some Star Wars motorcycle/replica jackets, but I didn’t find anything that I both wanted and could afford.  (Although later I did buy a used-kilt off Bishop, so that was cool!)  Eventually we got out of the Dealer’s Room and got some food.  My friend and I tried to get in on a Marvel Supper Heroes RPG game but it filled-up.  That was disappointing b/c I haven’t played Marvel Super Heroes in like 20 years.  One slot opened on a classic dungeon crawl game so I let my friend take that… and so I headed back upstairs to rejoin Sir and co.  We went to the FeLife meet-n-greet.  I saw Noir (my Owner's Ma'am's Sir), but otherwise it was a bust b/c they held it right next to the karaoke and it was too, damn loud to meet-n-greet… so we left that to go to LGBT Rainbow Flag Party.  Sir had me on-leash, which always makes me a very happy puppy doggie!  *wags*  But this night it also served a practical function, as Sir was wearing his (incredibly awesome!!!) steampunk Saint Bernard leather-pup hood, which meant he couldn’t see well, so, leashed to him, I was also kind of acting as a seeing-eye-dog.

We left the party before it was too terribly late and went back to our hotel room for more sexy-fun-time.  I got pounced, and Sir and I had some wickedly primal sex.  He was in, as they say, “a mood.”  There was some pretty ferocious biting, clawing, howling, snarling, and growling from both of us; my brain just exploded – flooded w/ stimuli, I couldn’t tell whether I was horny, frightened, raging, exhausted, or super-energized… and there were blood stains on the bed sheets before we were done.  (I actually don’t remember how we finished; I think I actually just passed-out at some point.)  It was really, really good sex.  We woke-up still horny in the wee hours of the morning and somehow managed to have sex again, w/ less snarling and barking, w/o waking our roommates.

I saw lots of great costumes at Dragon... and lots of yummy eye candy, too.  There was at least one really hot Catwoman I saw, and a hot female Jango Fet... and one girl in leather fantasy armor who looked quite nice.  Lots of fursuiters, too, and some of those suits were just amazing.

I left shortly after Sunday breakfast.  I’ve decided that I would like to do Dragon again in the future.  Probably not next year – maybe every-other year – but only for a day!  The whole 4-day Dragon weekend is just way, way too much for me these days.  2 nights and 1 day was plenty.  I drove home Sunday and collapsed, physically and emotionally exhausted.  Fortunately there’s nothing on the calendar next weekend b/c I’m going to stay home and do nothing!  :)

Inclusive-Exclusive Balance… and Werewolf Porn

I always enjoy reading what Race Bannon writes. Recently that included:

“I believe it’s a fact that most gay men would rather play in the presence of only gay men, that most most lesbians would rather play in the presence of only lesbians, and that most heterosexuals would rather play in the presence of other heterosexuals. I think that’s totally natural. Some absolutely enjoy mixed places and I think that’s great. But I contend most kinksters do not”

The rest of the post about the virtues of exclusivity can be found at:

http://bannon.com/2013/07/07/are-we-too-inclusive/

If you have the time, you should go and read it.  It's okay; I'll wait.

  

I’m going to approach this by contrasting my two main playgrounds: CAPEX and Dominion.

CAPEX is an education-based gateway group and a huge open door.  We prid ourselves as being the most welcoming group in the region.  We welcome littles and adult babies, old-school leather M/s couples, puppies, rope fetishists, and pretty much anything else… and of any gender or sexual orientation.  (We even have one fursuiter if you count the bunny.)  I’ve always been very proud of that about my home club.  I’m extremely proud that in our 13 years of existence no (rational) person has ever found CAPEX to be exclusive or cliquish.  Kinksters of all types, genders, and orientations have pretty much always left a CAPEX event saying that they were made to feel very, very welcome.  That’s very cool.

Dominion is men-only.  Admission is (technically) screened; you have to get an invite or else get an okay from Master Dan or Sir Loki before you walk in.  While that is rather different from CAPEX… it’s still a great environment.  I have lots of fun there, enjoy the play, and have met some cool people.

The drama factor?  CAPEX has a reputation for “group politics drama.”  It’s true, about every 3 years we have some big meltdown.  However, as I always point out in our defense, it’s not b/c we’re a bunch of drama-queens.  No, it’s b/c CAPEX is a democratic organization that has elections every 6 months and averages around 100 members – so w/ that set-up, there will be drama.  In some ways, this is good.  Namely, I think this why CAPEX has survived 13 years and 3 or 4 meltdowns: there’s a widespread sense of ownership.  This is our group.  And when people start getting burnt-out, there are others who step in and pick-up the burden.  I know of very few "dictatorship" groups that have lasted 13 years.

Because of our rules and procedures, getting someone booted out of CAPEX (which is necessary on rare occasions) is like getting a bill through congress.  Getting someone booted from Dominion (which is likewise necessary on rare occasions) essentially consists of Sir and Master Dan coming to an agreement.  That makes it sooooo much easier to keep out the trolls and the creeps and the jerks.

Sex vs. no-sex play spaces?  Every 3 or 4 years somebody tries to change the rules at CAPEX to allow sex at our parties.  I have always argued against allowing sex (and I always win).  I have nothing against sex… but my view is that CAPEX is an education-based group targeted at new people, most of our members have been in BDSM only a few years, and we don’t screen people coming in.  Not allowing sex seems like a prudent call for such a group.

There’s no doubt, however, that Bannon is correct about pansexual parties being less sexy.  Dominion has much more of a sexual charge and the activities are more sexual.  CAPEX (primarily) is much more of a “pure” S/m party – it’s mostly about hurting and being hurt.  So… yeah, it’s kind of cool to be in the dungeon, get your ass beat by your Sir, taken off the cross, and dropped to you knees to blow him right there in the dungeon.  It’s a bonding experience.  LOL

(And I suppose I could add to this list a third, more exclusive level – our private, usually-twice-a-year Treehouse parties which are strictly invitation only and sex is “not only allowed but encouraged.”)

It’s not, for me a matter of: you must choose one or the other.  I can have both.  Our community can have room for both!  It’s stupid to say that every club/event/party needs to be pansexual and inclusive… and it’s stupid to say that none should be.  Not every group or space needs to be open to everybody at all times and that is okay.  Balance is good.

All of that being said, there is a form of exclusivity that, I believe, has no place in our community.  The we-are-better-than-you bullshit.  I’ve not encountered a lot of this first-hand, but I’m hearing (second hand) about this going on a lot more.  This attitude of our way is the TRUE way.  If you don’t do M/s like this then you’re not a TRUE Master/slave.  If you’re not old-school leather then you’re not the real deal – you’re just a kinkster.  What a bunch of BS!  That’s a kind of exclusivity that we don’t need anywhere.  And I think what Bannon was getting at is that in moving away from that kind of (bad) exclusivity we’ve moved to a different kind of (bad) inclusiveness that isn’t a logical connection.  I can say “M/s is not any better than other kinky dynamics,” and still support a MAST chapter which is an exclusively M/s group… b/c it’s not a blanket rejection (i.e. 'the rest of you aren’t as good as us'); it’s just a definition of what kind of group you have.

And now for something completely different:  (SQUIRREL!)

So, we don’t have cable, but I finally got around to watching the new Teen Wolf series.  (Filmed in Atlanta; I recognize some of the buildings in the background.)  Loving it.  I picked-up season 1 and 2, and I’ve been marathon-ing them this weekend.  For those who don’t know me: Werewolves are like porn for me.  Literally.  Porn.  There’s a scene in season 1 where, on the night of the full moon, the hero is handcuffed to a radiator by his best friend… and then his friend brings him water in a dog bowl.  I got an instant hard-on.  (Or I would have if I weren't locked up.)  Werewolf + handcuffs + doggie bowl = sex.  (Well, for me anyway...)  So, a dozen episodes in, and I am insanely horny by now, Ma’am is away for the weekend and I’m not allowed to touch myself, and the only reason that I’m able to obey right now is b/c I’m locked in a chastity cage.  Otherwise I’d be humping everything in the house.  *frustrated growl*