“Submitting” vs. “Submissive”

I’ve always had a bit of an issue w/ the idea of labeling myself “a submissive.”  Not that it bothers me… I just don’t find it entirely inaccurate.  Not that I’m a switch either.  I’m certainly no dominant, and I’m most definitely not a sadist!  I don’t want to hurt anybody, I don’t want to boss anybody around, and (as my Owner recently, again pointed out) I don’t generally do well when the planning is left up to me – tell me what you want done, and I’ll make it happen… but leave it up to me to choose the plan, and I tend to bog-down in indecision.  So, as far as the label goes, “submissive” works okay.  

And I am certainly a masochist and a bottom.  I like pain.  I also like being made helpless – having control taken from me.  I get hard every time I hear the “click” of the lock as my Owner locks me into my collar and I know that I am absolutely HERS.  

So that would make me “a sub,” right?  But here’s my thing…  When I play w/ a Top, and when it’s a good scene, often I will find myself in a submissive headspace… during that scene.  Now, this doesn’t always happen.  There are some skilled Tops whom I enjoy playing w/ that I never wind-up feeling submissive towards – our play is a purely S/m exchange w/o any D/s aspect at all.  Sometimes I even like interrogation play… so I can be very un-submissive, resist, talk back, and say, “fuck you.”  (I do not do interrogation play w/ my Owner – that just would sooooo not work.)  But many times I will play w/ somebody and they will put me into a yummy, warm submissive headspace… during that scene.  Then the scene ends, I snuggle and eat a cookie (doggie treat!), come back to earth… and the subspace gradually fades.

If you talk about me being “a submissive” (as a noun), it sounds like I’m just submissive in general – to just anybody… or to any Dom.  But… that hardly seems accurate, at least in my case.  There are many Doms that I respect but w/o feeling submissive towards.  Of course there are some Doms I don’t even respect, and a few that I wouldn’t cross the street to piss on if they were on fire… 

I think for me it makes more sense to talk about the “act of submission” as a verb.  Instead of “I’m a sub,” try “I submit.”  Or, better, “I submit to ___.”  This may be a temporary headspace (like when I play in a really yummy, hot scene and I get all weak in the knees and just want to collapse at your feet and lick your boots)… or it may be an ongoing D/s relationship like I have w/ my Owner and my Alpha Pup.  But those are the only two people I am submissive towards in a generalized, in-and-out-of-scene, ongoing way – not towards just any Dom who walks up.

And isn’t one of the classic beginning-Dominant mistakes to assume that you can issue orders to just any sub/bottom/boy around?  “Well, you’re a submissive, right!?”

“Dude, I submit… but not to you!”

“Well, you’re not a true submissive then.”

“Well, you are a true jackass.”

(Can you tell I’ve had this conversation before?)

And there’s the corresponding mistake for beginning-submissives: thinking you have to obey every self-identified “Master.”  So I think maybe the label is misleading… like, if you identify as “submissive” then you must be submissive toward whoever in some generalized way.  To my thinking (and I know my Owner agrees, b/c she’s told me so) my submission is worth more b/c I don’t submit to just anybody.  Ma’am used to frequently tell me, “Walk w/ your head held proud; I don’t want to see you lower your eyes to anybody but me.”  I guess now that’s: “…me and Loki.”  :)